Thursday, September 18, 2014


Last night I hopped up and down outside the bathroom door performing the ever lovin’ potty dance. It’s times like these I wish we had a second bathroom.
I kid you not, I can stub my toe on the front door while at the same time bash my head into the lintel of the back door.

I admit, I don’t have the biggest home. So all three of my children sleep in the same room. So, when company comes over for dinner we have to pull the table away from the wall and wiggle everyone into their spots. So, when I use my mixer to make bread I have to set it on my washing machine because my kitchen has neither the counter space nor the outlets. I could go on and on.

But I digress. Instead, I’m going to do a little experiment. We’ll see how my life compares to a king. Oh, you fancy kings with your fancy castles full of fancy servants, holding your fancy banquets and fancy tournaments. Lets take a look.


A King (by the way, this is a medieval king, just so we’re clear) has loads of servants. They come at his beck and call. He has servants to cook his food, clean and mend his clothes, stoke the fires, bring him water, heat his water.

So what about me? Where are my servants? Who cooks my food? Who cleans my clothes? Who removes the dust from my floors?…

Oh wait. I do have servants. I have an army of robot servants that cook my food, wash my clothes, bring me water and heat it. I have a servant that literally sucks the dirt off of my floors. Beat that medieval king!


Any time there is cause to celebrate he holds wonderful feasts. He leaves for the summer keep. Banquet! He arrives at the summer keep. Banquet! He’s now leaving the summer keep. Banquet!

So where are my banquets? Where’s my dining hall? I don’t have servants bringing in piles of roast pig and baked apples. I don’t have chefs cooking for me for every occasion. Unless… Oh wait! I do. Every time I eat at a restaurant.

Not only that, but I get to decide the kind of food I eat every day. Say I want to eat food from India. No problem. Mexico? Bring it on. Italy? China? Peru? Japan? Yes, please. How many countries’ food have you tried Mr. Fancy Pants King?


The king needs some soothing music? Call in the minstrels. Needs a laugh? Call in the court jester. Needs some excitement? Hold a tournament.  

I don’t have minstrels or court jesters or tournaments. All I have is...

Wait for it. I-Phone. It’s small. I hold it in my hand. And it is magic. King, eat your heart out!

I want soothing music? Touch the screen. Bam! Tom Jones!

I want a laugh? Touch the screen. Bam! Cat videos!

Some excitement? Touch the screen. Bam! Pacific Rim!

Can you say magic mirror?


A king has his great hall and courtyards, his kitchen and bakehouse. He’s got his personal chambers, his stables and his acres and acres of land. It takes him days to get from one end of his kingdom to the other.

So, what about me? I have a living room but no great hall. I have a kitchen (so we’re equal there), but I don’t have a separate room just for baking (unless you count my laundry room. I don’t.) My chambers are anything but personal. My kids think my bed is they’re personal playground. On square footage alone he’s got me way beat. He’s got his courtyards and land. I have a tiny lot. It takes me less than one minute to walk from one end of my property to the other.

Okay king, I surrender. Your castle is bette--Unless we talk about comfort. Yes! Comfort!

King, have you ever sat on anything nearly so comfortable as my second hand couches? I doubt it. And if you like my couches, you should try my bed. Nice, isn’t it? Oh, and do you see this fuzzy stuff that covers my floors that keep my toes from freezing on cold days? It's called carpet. Jealous?

I may not have much for land, but I can do the up keep without breaking the backs of surfs.

Oh, and one more thing. My house is warm in the winters and cool in the summers. Can you say the same, Mr. I have to have a fire burning in whatever room I’m in just to stave off the cold?      


Now I may have to do the ever lovin’ potty dance from time to time, but…

King? Nay! Wizard King!